Book Report: Never Split the Difference

According to Chris Voss, all of life is a series of negotiations. Whether you’re helping someone buy a home, advocating for a better rate, or even trying to decide what toppings to order on a pizza with your spouse, you’re communicating with the desire for a result.

Before writing the bestselling book Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It with Tahl Raz, Voss worked in high-stakes situations as a hostage negotiator for the Federal Bureau of Investigation. He comes to his book with hard-earned knowledge from years spent speaking from the line of fire. His insights can seem a little unexpected, given this background.

Negotiation Is Collaboration

One of the first insights Voss shares is that a strong negotiator understands negotiations aren’t based on logic alone. Understanding that emotional intelligence and empathy are part of a successful negotiation can be a game-changer.

“Negotiation is the heart of collaboration. It is what makes conflict potentially meaningful and productive for all parties,” Voss writes. Empathy and considering your counterpart’s needs turn a negotiation from a situation that is won or lost into one where two parties must work together. That re-set ultimately leads to the ability to establish a connection with your counterpart that helps you move toward a mutually acceptable solution.

Empathy Is Tactical

Being able to think about the other person in a negotiation and consider how their perspective informs their desired outcome is a superpower. That’s because even though negotiation is traditionally thought of as a kind of battle of arguments, it’s far from being a rational exercise.

Everyone comes to a situation with existing biases and feelings. Negotiation doesn’t start with the head – it starts with the way a person shows up.  “Feeling is a kind of thinking,” Voss explains. To effectively get to the best outcome, you need to approach a negotiation meeting people where they are emotionally.

Think about it. If two parties show up only interested in their own feelings and arguments, they aren’t listening to each other and collaborating toward a shared result. They get increasingly frustrated because they aren’t being heard. To actually move the conversation forward, both parties need to feel understood. That changes a negative emotional state to a neutral or positive one.

Voss shares a technique called “labeling,” which helps achieve this momentum. It is when you try to label what you think the other person is feeling so they know you are trying to understand their needs. It also gives them the opportunity to correct the label so you get an accurate understanding of their desires.

Using this technique might look like this:

It seems that you’re feeling frustrated that the closing date my client is asking for might make it difficult for your clients to relocate in time.

 Once the label has been accepted or corrected, you have the opportunity to move the conversation forward to that mutually agreeable solution. In this closing date example, that might be leaning into your network of connections to help the other side find a moving company or short-term rental.

Win-Win or No Deal

Perhaps hinted at in the book’s title Never Split the Difference, Voss wants readers to understand that “No deal is better than a bad deal.” That means that unless the deal is win-win, it’s not really a deal. There’s no deal to be had if you feel like you haven’t achieved an outcome that represents you or your client’s goals.

We’ve spoken before about how there is a difference between being a functionary agent and a fiduciary agent.

A functionary agent does the tasks, checks the boxes, is reactionary, has a shallow relationship with their client, and is minimally paid. A fiduciary agent not only does the tasks of the job but is also in a high-trust relationship with their client. They feel totally responsible for the outcome of the transaction and put their clients’ interest above their own. Because of this value, they are also highly paid.

Choosing to be a fiduciary is a core value of an agent who wants to have a solid and successful business. Clients want to work with an agent who uses their best judgement to interpret information and then educate, consult, and guide them to an outcome the agent is accountable to. That means when it comes to negotiation, an agent must be willing to avoid splitting the difference.

What negotiation techniques do you think make a difference? Have a book you’d like us to read and report back on? Let us know on our Facebook page and don’t forget to subscribe to our newsletter for insight and research every other week!